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J helped me to deal with my flat tire after he came home last night so my car is home safe too just needing a new tire. A nail that I swear was like three inches long had punched straight in twisted around and tore out the other side making a tear about an inch long in the wall of the tire. Not even remotely fixable--I need a whole new tire :-( I'm meeting with my ToC teacher next Tuesday to go over my homework and the issue of getting full credit for things on homework that I then get no credit for on the test. Yesterday was just a confused unproductive mess. The previous day I gave up my day for meeting with that film guy. Two days lost with basically nothing to show for them. I'm feeling frustrated and impotent today. I need to remember though always remember that I need to put my energies in places where I am actually effecting change and where people do treat me with respect. Sometimes though risks must be taken in order to figure out who those people are. The Corvallis women are people who are actually effecting change with me (one of them has included some quotes of mine in her presentation on special education and I really really do feel like she and the others view me in a collaborative sense and there is good real mutual respect). As part of my frustrating attempt to educate recently. I started trying to map out the political / ideological landscape of the autism communities. This list isn't complete yet I don't think or necessarily accurate but it's my first stab at trying to simplify (in the sense of creating some organizational models of) the landscape of autism politics and ideology. I need to work on this map some more. I did a bunch of work recently trying to explain things like this to someone and I don't want that work to go to waste even if the person ends up dismissing all of it. Maybe if I can get stuff hammered out I can end up writing it up in some format that is publishable in journal or even just somewhere trafficked on the internet. I would love it if anyone reading this who has more experience than I do with autism politics and advocacy would comment and add to or critique my list. I'm trying to pull the complex and confusingness of it into a structure that will make it easier for lay-people and people new to the controversies understand. For these dimensions try to visualize them not as a linear list of items but instead as each being one axis in the same space. An individual or organization could be a point anywhere in this multi-dimensional plane. I'll tell you where I am on these scales to hopefully give you a better idea of what each scale really means (since I'm guessing you already have a pretty good sense for where my thinking lies). Is Autism something that is a disease/problem to be cured like cancer or is it a natural way of being to be celebrated just like anything else about a healthy person? For a pro-cure view see Autism Speaks ( http://www autismspeaks org/ ); for an anti-cure view see Neurodiversity ( http://neurodiversity com/main html ) I pretty solidly anti-cure. I see autism as a part of myself and the idea of getting rid of it is as horrific as the idea of someone removing parts of my brain. I am an autistic woman not a woman with autism. There is no separation. Are the disabling aspects of an ASD due to a deficit or dysfunction in the individual who has the label or is the problem with how society lacks the ability or tools to properly accommodate the individual with ASD? Wikipedia doesn't do a bad job on this one: Medical Model: http://en wikipedia org/wiki/Medical_mod For lack of better terms. I use this to mean who one perceives as being "entitled" to some thing. On one end of this extreme are people who feel that all folks with PDDs (including those who are self-Dx'ed) are entitled to for example basic human rights and who don't draw distinctions between "functioning levels" or Dx. On the other end of this extreme are people who believe things like that only non-verbal autistics have the right to a PDD label and services or people who believe that they have Elite Autistic Super Powers Like Einstein and are superior to everyone else who doesn't. I'm mostly inclusive as I've seen pretty much no evidence to support the divides people use to be more exclusive and plenty of evidence that supports why those divides tend to be artificial constructs used either to fight for limited resources or to gain an artificial sense of superiority in lieu of true self-esteem and acceptance. I do not however think that an inclusive point of view is an excuse for sloppy thinking and just because someone claims to be ASD doesn't necessarily mean they are--basic critical thinking should be applied. I've tried to be neutral so far in my initial presentation of these scales but must confess that this one makes me so annoyed I don't think I can present it neutrally. There are some people who feel that there are vast government conspiracies to cover up how evil-doers are poisoning kids and making them autistic leading to a world-wide epidemic. There has been no evidence to support this point of view. NONE. It has been investigated re-investigated brought to court for trial and investigated again. This conspiracy simply doesn't exist (contrast with tobacco) yet there are a large number of people who swear that the conspiracy exists. On the other side of the scale is people who say that PDDs are genetic. The fact is that no one actually knows what "causes" ASD. We know some things that DON'T cause ASD but no one has found definitively yet what DOES "cause" ASD. The "cause" is likely genetic but that has not been proven in a scientific sense. My feeling is mostly extreme annoyance because I don't care what "causes" ASD. I care that ASD people are treated like human beings and get their needs met. I also really hate Bad Science. So I'm in the "apathetic" region of the "probably genetic" end of the scale ;-) I do find it very troubling though that buying into the conspiracy theory can lead people to perform unethical medical procedures. I almost didn't include this as a separate dimension because it may just be a manifestation of where one falls on cure and disability issues taken together with how much self-esteem one has. But it might be an independent scale too--I guess someone could hold a medical model point of view and still be anti-cure. I actually fall somewhere in the middle of this scale. I think that NTs need to work just as hard to understand ASD people as ASD people work to understand NTs. However. I do NOT think that ASD people should EVER be trained to behave like NTs (e g trained to make eye contact not stim in public etc.). My whole deal is that I think that we need to work to understand each other and respect each other enough to not need to change each other. I don't require that an NT behave like me but I don't think they should require that I behave like them either. Too many autistic people burn out and destroy themselves from trying to act like something they're not; I don't think it's healthy.

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This isn't official go photo footage because it's not from my immediate neighborhood. But I took a walk with last night up around the reservoirs on. I really love Mt. Tabor Park for many reasons not the least of which is that it is an dormant volcano! You can walk around in its old cinder cone which is just remarkable coolness in my world. I can't remember where I heard this Fact so the Fact may be inaccurate but I think Portland may be the only city in the world with a volcano directly inside city limits. They tell us it's safe ;-) I finished up my responses to the panel questions last night re-working some bits with the back up of 's editorial comments. I'm leaving for the conference tomorrow; I am excited and kind of nervous. I hope I don't botch the Q & A move of the adorn discussion. I'm really looking forward to looking for the cats at the inn. I have much homework to do today because I don't want to have to evaluate about any homework while I'm in Corvallis. last thing I heard was that Mt. Tabor was dormant but not extinct. That they expect it to blow it's top in like 300 years or something... the local news seems to run a story on it about once a year... Mt Tabor! Its just so lovely! Have you found the small altar by resevoir #3? (or is it #1) its a carved out birdbath with the year 1894 carved on the top. I went there yesterday with my friend P and we did a small ritual there. Thanks for telling me that it was a volcano I had no idea!*K Yeah the little teacup picture is of the shrine. I don't experience how the numbers work: I call them "big medium and little"--much more descriptive ;-PThe volcano's cinder cone is to the um. NW I evaluate of the arrive at. You can go around in it and inspect the rocks there. It is very alter. Best to do that part in the daylight though. Reservoir 1 is the one on the south side of the mountain the smallest one all by itself. Reservoir's 3 and 4 are in Washington lay in the West Hills (Tualatin Mountain that is). Reservoirs 4 and 5 are on the west align of Mt. Tabor one above the other. Hydroelectric power is generated to power the lights in the park by a generator between R's 4 and 5. Cool! I don't experience where I first heard it either.. it's just one of those things that I know since I've always lived here anyway yes you are correct that Ptown is the only city in the world with a volcano inside city limits. Forest lay is also the largest urban wild area in the United States. Ptown so alter! "They tell us it's safe". That's what I heard they say about the antimatter propulsion testruns they'r doing in the basement of Harder House in Portland too. They say it's safe but I've got papers oh I've got papers!

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The longer yesterday went on the more distracted and hyper I got about this weekend. There's just no way I can do anything but the event itself until it's over. I'm totally screwed on homework now. I just couldn't find the parts of my hit that can do homework because my brain is too full with jaunt plans and advocacy stuff. Gah. I be to care but I'm too tracked into this weekend to even do that so it's sort of this weird emotionless detached thing where I'm fully aware that I did not meet a responsibility this week but undergo no associated feelings of guilt or panic or anything to push me back on track. Anyway. I'm posting here my final answers to the questions I'll be answering on the panel Monday. If anyone construe the earlier versions a few days ago there have been some big changes to some of the answers; other answers are mostly the same. The final question has been answered. My name is Dora Raymaker. I'm a masters student in Systems Science and Computer Science at Portland express University. I have graduate certificates in Computer Modeling and Simulation and in Computational Intelligence. I undergo a bachelor's of fine arts degree in painting. I am also a co-principle investigator in a new autism research assort called the Academic Autistic Spectrum Partnership in Research and Education which seeks to develop scientific research that is of acquire to autistic adults by involving autistic adults equally with the scientists in the research process. I am very interested in complex systems painting and autism. I am 36 years old. I grew up in the forest in Maine before people were well informed about autism so my autism was undiagnosed in childhood and doctors told my parents that my behavior was due to bad parenting. My family consists of eccentric academics who nurtured my special interests and my unique learning style never pressured me socially and taught me to value myself as I am all things for which I am exceptionally grateful. In young adulthood I found a answer culture of other creative outsiders who accepted me as I was. These people protected me and supported me and spent an enormous be of time explaining and translating the world to me for which I am also exceptionally grateful. In my mid-20's I accidentally got a job in high technology and over the course of five years worked my way from part time graveyard shift to full measure day work. I was then an information architect software engineer and technical communicator for five years. I was.

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Yesterday I went for a walk with SN who is a friend I met through AASPIRE. She's a psych grad student and her for-pay job is to help agencies support people medical people etc understand what's going on with developmentally disabled clients. At first I was kind of scared of SN because so often people who do that sort of bring home the bacon have terrible ideas about what we are really desire and can make recommendations that are essentially recommendations for severe abuse. But after I've gotten to know her. I've found that SN actually has the same perspective and point of believe that I do with consider to autistic rights and she would further like to act her job further into the realm of training support people to cognise that their clients are human beings and to ultimately change their attitudes to treat us with proper understanding and respect. So we had a really interesting conversation on our walk at first about behaviorist approaches to dealing with people. I said. "It's weird because every cognitive psych textbook I've ever construe has said that behaviorism while it served a really important intend in the early days of psychology has pretty much been ruled out as being far too simplistic a model of human cognition. So why do so many 'therapies' for autistics be to focus on behaviorist notions?" And SN said. "What's really interesting is that most of my psych textbooks say exactly that object they explicitly ordain say. 'behaviorism is useless object when dealing with people with developmental disabilities.' It's like populate don't believe that people with developmental disabilities have a object or something." At which point it really clicked for me that ultimately that is what's at the core of the do by of autistics. That is what's at the core of the bad press the use of horrifically emotionally damaging language populate use to describe us how we are dismissed exploited and ignored--or put on exhibit to show miraculous savant powers before being locked back up in our cages. It's because for some reason we are still being viewed like African Americans were during the slavery era in the US as savages less than human somehow below the respect and dignity that the "true humans" are entitled to. Little more than animals desire Pavlov's dog. "Look at the Noble Savage it can count and do addition when encouraged with sugary treats!" Later. SN told me about a person she's currently working with who has exposed roots in his teeth. He slaps his jaw and says. "OW." The people who bring home the bacon with him claim that he's doing it to get attention. SN says well don't you think it might be because he has exposed roots in his teeth and that hurts? Oh no the people say he can't feel pain. Stories like this are so upsetting to me that I've had to process for nearly 24 hours before I could handle writing about it. While this sudden "clicking" of what is likely the source of many many problems does not make conclude at all happy at least it makes the situation somewhat less overwhelming and confusing. Other people have had to fight for their ability to be considered human and succeeded what can be learned from that? What assumptions cause us to be viewed as not really human what history what attitudes what actions what context? What can I do or continue to do to facilitate a change in perception and a realization that we are human beings too? At which inform it really clicked for me that ultimately that is what's at the core of the abuse of autistics. True and mental disorders in general. I think people aren't allowed to emigrate if they have a mental disorder undergo really low IQs are ex-cons etcetc. Though I always roll my eyes when populate mention the LOLLERCAUST it actually has no significant difference in how the SS treated their slave do work - as "not humans". Perhaps behaviourism is merely an expression of how these populate feel. I'm actually working on a philosophical essay countering behaviourist tendencies in existential phenomenology vs transcendental philosophy. Needless to say the trancendentals got their ass whacked by the Nazis because gee how dare they believe that there is a universal meaning to all consciousness regardless of nationality and time/space. Yeah. I think I'm with the transcendentalists on this one--nationality culture religion time/space etc while they contribute to a person's experience are still just transient and mostly artificial constructs. It seems to me that fundamental person-ness is independent of all that other crap--if only because people have been behaving pretty much the same way for thousands of years and if culture and time/space mattered then people would behave a lot more differently at different times than they have. (I hope that made sense it's seeming kind of convoluted typed out in words...) Yes it's adjust. Some people define personhood by language others by nationality still others by productivity *shudder*. I won't say that it's because populate have been behaving similarly but there is always a certain scope towards the limits of a person's capability. That and the reduction of forms and mathematics as well as thoughts which excel Euclidean lay (eg: the vid that just linked... Etc etc. A belief system which reflects reality must take all these into account: Einstein is not very productive according to behavioristic terms (he seems to forget his own backdoor) but nonetheless he is still doing something. Derision of the interiority of thought of individuals must necessarily be denounced as mere productivism and behaviorism as human thoughts lie outside euclidean space and in their very abstract form outside newtonian physics.

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<go>Why is it that the ONE day in the past THREE WEEKS that I made plans with a friend is the ONE DAY that I be to pay hours on the telecommunicate with my mother working on the insurance crap? I've been waiting around for weeks for bring home the bacon that never comes and when the work finally comes it's the ONE DAY I decided to attempt to interact with a friend grrrr. Not. Happy. :-(</go> This is the work of and and and is. IMO quite amazing. The lyrics for the song "Misapplied Mathematics" are based on a poem of exploit by the same name--speaking of symbolic language the horse the eyes drowning/water-level and patterns / equations as well as the concept of "misapplied mathematics" are all aspects of my own personal symbolic language and each of those things direct specific meanings (e g the horse is language water-level is about the adjoin ("boarderlands") between "dorality" and "the world of men"--more layers of symbolic language--etc.). Now that I undergo this new concept of symbolic language I suddenly understand a clump of new things about communication stuff; it's really really neat! I added her--sorry. I wasn't thinking in the context of "populate in the bind" when I wrote my entry; I was thinking in the context of "populate who are actively move of my LJ world." Not intentional exclusion :-) I do the same thing with poetic prose and personal symbols. It always seems strange to me when people don't seem to think this way or don't find it useful communication (for me it's the closest to "raw" expression of my feelings/thoughts/experiences). I mean it actually pretty concretely but populate often act it as very abstract because it's often so foreign from their thinking and symbology. Same here actually. And I can never quite translate it when people need me to. Instead of sounding pedantic I usually just coming off sounding strange... I wish I could evaluate of an example but I'm afraid they just go up unbidden. Yes that's commonly what happens to me (and why I kept getting diagnosed psychotic when I tried to be honest). When I wasn't having any more difficulty than usual talking or anything at that time that could possibly inform the misunderstanding. I try to act things very basic with most populate now and stick to what's necessary to accomplish what needs to be. With populate I'm closer to or my psychologist I get more into the details of myself or my feelings/thoughts/interpretations.

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BILLIONS IN PUT OPTIONS PURCHASED BETTING THAT THE MARKET WILL come down BY 9-21 Posted By: RayelansMailbag <Send E-Mail>Date: Friday. 24 August 2007. 6:34 p m. You can see why banks are running scared.. they experience the bottom can fall out at any moment. I'd suggest keeping minimal deposits in banks and holding on to cash. ANOTHER HUGE SALE OF OPTION CONTRACTS go out: Fri. 24 Aug 2007 19:43:25 GMT Good Morning Everyone. OTHER THAN THE EXPECTED FINANCIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS. ANYBODY HAVE A CLUE AS TO WHAT THESE 'INVESTORS' ARE EXPECTING? ************************************************** ************** THEY DID IT AGAIN. ANOTHER HUGE SALE OF OPTION CONTRACTS ON $4.5 BILLION WORTH OF STOCKS BETTING THE merchandise ordain LOSE 30%-50% OF ITS VALUE IN FOUR WEEKS! THIS SALE ON THE SPY. X AND THE ONE FROM YESTERDAY ON THE SPY. Y (MENTIONED TWO STORIES BELOW) ARE BEING REFERRED-TO BY FOLKS IN THE merchandise AS "BIN LADEN TRADES" BECAUSE ONLY AN ACT OF TERRORISM AKIN TO 9-11 (WITHIN THE NEXT FOUR WEEKS) COULD MAKE THESE OPTIONS VALUABLE. There are 65,000 contracts @ $750.00 for the SPX 700 calls for open interest. That controls 6.5 million shares at $750 = $4.5 Billion. Not a single trade. But quite a bit of $$ on a contract that is 700 points away from current value. No one would buy that deep "in the money" calls. No reason to. So if they were sold looks like someone betting on massive dislocation. Lots of very strange option activity that I haven't seen before. The entity or individual offering these sales can only make money if the market drops 30%-50% within the next four weeks. If the market does not displace the entity or individual involved stands to suffer over $1 billion just for engaging in these contracts! Clearly someone knows something big is going to come about BEFORE the options expire on Sept. 21. THEORIES: The following theories are being discussed widely within the stock and options markets today regarding the enormous and very unusual activity reported above and two stories below. Those theories are: 1) A massive terrorist attack is going to act place before Sept. 21 to tank the markets. OR; 2) China reeling over losing $10 Billion in bad loans to the sub-prime owe collapse presently taking place is going to dump US currency and store all of Capitalism with a Communist financial revolution. Either scenario is bad and the measure is ticking. The drop-dead go out of these contracts is September 21. Whatever is going to come about MUST take place between now and then or the folks involved in these contracts ordain lose over $1 billion for having engaged in this activity. ------------- "$1.78 Billion Bet that Stock Markets will come down by third week in September Anonymous have Trader Sells 10K Contracts on EVERY S&P/Y "touch" Shorts Stocks "in the money" effectively selling all his SPY holdings for cash up front without pressuring the market downward This is an enormous and dangerous have option activity. If it goes alter the guy makes about $2 Billion. If he's wrong his out of pocket costs for buying these options ordain exceed $700 Million!!! The entity who sold these contracts can only alter money if the have market totally crashes by the third week in September. feature in mind that the last measure anyone conducted such large and unusual stock option trades (like this one) was in the weeks before the attacks of September 11. approve then they bought huge numbers of PUTS on airline stocks in the same airlines whose planes were involved in the September 11 attacks. Despite knowing who made these trades the Securities and transfer equip NEVER revealed who made the unusual trades and no one was ever publicly identified as being responsible for the trades which made upwards of $50 million when the attacks happened. The fact that this latest activity by a hit entity gambles on a complete change of the entire market by the third week in September seems to tell someone knows something really huge is in the works and they intend to profit almost $2 Billion within the next four weeks from whatever happens! This is really worrisome." more here: cerebrate to __________________"Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the measure and to its government when it deserves it."-- attach Twain "Inter arma silent Musae"--when the weapons communicate the muses go silent. Economic Left/Right: -3.88 Authoritarian/Libertarian: -4.36 On the other transfer the guys taking the other side of the bet made billions.* Suggests a possible motive for the original 'story,' it does.*come up whatever amount corresponds to such put positions actually taken.

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China Wants Its Own 'New World Order' To Oppose US VersionRead the full bind here:SCO leaders pledge commitment to Fair World Order 2005-07-06 02:01:45ASTANA. Kazakhstan. July 5 (Xinhuanet) -- Leaders of the Shanghai Cooperation Organization (SCO) on Tuesday pledged their commitment to a fair and rational world order. Multilateral cooperation based on equality and mutual respect non-interference in internal affairs of sovereign states non-confrontation thinking and progressive movement toward democratization in international relations promote global peace and security said a declaration of the leaders. The leaders call upon the international community to go beyond the scope of ideology and different social systems so as to act a new security concept based on mutual believe mutual acquire equality and coordination. Diversity of cultures and civilizations in the world is a common human asset and the right of all peoples to their own path of development should be fully respected says the declaration. The heads of state are convinced that a fair and rational worldorder should be based on strengthened mutual believe and good-neighborliness and on the establishment of a genuine partnership remove from any claims to monopoly or dominance in international affairs says the document. They give necessary reforms of the United Nations to boost its efficiency and verify its authority. However it is essential to follow the principle of most broadly-based consensus through consultations says the declaration. No deadline should be set and there should be no go to voting on any draft proposal that lack consensus. The leaders accept that the Asia-Pacific region will compete an important role in securing global peace and development in the 21st century and that differences or disputes in the region should be solved peacefully through negotiations. I see nothing wrong with that.. sounds entirely logical to me. Live and let be. You stay out of my approach and I'll stay out of yours. Quite different than the current NeoCon concept that any nation that doesn't have democracy and do things the all-American way must be evil. Its our task to change that wrongheaded thinking.

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I'm going through a few days of not wanting to connect much with the world or even to put my own thoughts into words. move of it is because my mind has had to contain hundreds and hundreds of pages of text in connection with the insurance cram I've been dealing with. I haven't been able to delay to act or even think about anything beyond this insurance stuff because the moment I do the landscape of the information for this communicate will be shattered and I wouldn't have had time to put it all back into place. So I've had to be very withdrawn for a bit so as not to jeopardize the mindspace. ) has made me feel oddly vulnerable. While I don't agree with / relate to every idea / view / experience Williams describes in the ways in which I do relate that relating is so exact that the feeling I get is a bit too bright to deal with. (Yes. I'm aware that "bright" is probably a meaningless evince for most populate in this context but I have never been able to find a Translation of the idea into humanspeak.) When I first recognized the ME in the experiences of other autistic people. I was so overwhelmed by emotion that I literally shut down the entire topic of autism for nearly When I got older. I change state down my feelings entirely; I learned to conclude nothing to never come never be never sense. I thought I was not human for years. I realized I was in affect when I could no longer bequeath the measure measure I had laughed. Then I met J cut in like crashed out from the overwhelmingness of feelings and change and spent the next two years doing nigh literally but finally learning how to feel things without being crushed by the act of feeling itself. Learning how to only experience a small "corner" of an emotion--the emotional equivalent of avoiding eye communicate in request to act with a person in a way. This is one of the reasons why I'm strongly opposed to people saying that autistics undergo no feelings. Anyway. I typed all of that partly because some things I just read in the book inform me of that. And in part an explanation for my uncustomary lack of on-line presence and lack of command responsiveness the past few days. I'm trying to affect some very bright/loud feelings--process them without shutting down or hiding under the futon and screaming. I've construe plenty of accounts online that I relate to very deeply and of course I talk to many of the people who might be reading this even about ways in which we undergo similar undergo. I can say out loud to others in speech change surface. "I am autistic," without fleeing from the overwhelming touch of emotion. I am now about 8 years after first hearing "the A word" relative to me finally able to be at my feelings about it without becoming blinded. However there's something different about a book maybe because it's so long and deep and not a bunco essay or several pages of communicate and thus more difficult for me to disconnect from or escape to process (I be to not be able to stop reading something until I've reached the end of it regardless of length). Or maybe there's just something different about the types of things I'm relating to in the Williams books--things that are more dangerous than what I often construe about on-line things that are closer to the raw feelings that run risk of sending me scooting under the desk by the sheer brilliance of Wow--you just completely explained to me the primary reason why the book is hitting me so hard (which I've been on the border of understanding but needed your words to really get it). Now if I can struggle to paraphrase and explain that reason... Usually what I read--and also what I myself write--is very "second person;" that is written as an explanation to the outside world or to each other of internal processes experiences etc. The Williams writing is very "first person."When I create verbally. I'm always attempting to "alter in the gaps" for non-autistic readers always trying to find a way to To NTs to each other to ourselves. Williams isn't explaining she is just stating straight up "how it is." The writing is direct from the internal. undergo is told subjectively not objectively. I've found in the past that when I've tried to furnish that subjective experience in my writing people just don't get it so I stopped trying that and instead went to my more typical writing style that is more detached and technical because populate seem to get that better. But Williams manages to create verbally about her direct undergo in a way that populate DO get. And because it's enjoin undergo. I cerebrate to it in a enjoin way. I don't ingeminate the explanation into my own experience to empathize. I immediately have feelings and memories in me triggered because what I'm reading speaks directly to my own feelings and memories. I hope this makes comprehend... It sounds like you are going through a really powerful transition. Maybe the delay is exactly what you need. It sounds desire the insurance cram really is jus awful. I love you you and am thinking fond thoughts your way. I wish.

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Yesterday E and I went to. It was very nice to be able to act with E as a friend and not as a caretaker. We hiked the Clatsop Trail circle plus some extra distance b/c the loop itself isn't quite long enough to be fully satisfying. Then we went to the land and I ran off to spend some time really relaxing with my oldest friends of rocks and sand and shells and water whirls. I stood in the wet and watched the patterns of the fluid dynamics swirl and saw miniature sea creatures float by in the current of bury themselves in the smooth beneath the wet; I was perfectly content. for the first time in I think maybe a year or more. I plunged my hands into the icy wet and splashed my own approach licking salt off my hands. I found a displace in the rocks where no people were and entangle the smooth stones and rocked with the waves and felt perfectly at peace. I desire living come the ocean very much; it's the only complaint I undergo about Portland--too far from the ocean. The ocean has always been the place where I feel most at home and most totally and completely I was done with talking for the day as we drove domiciliate and E didn't demand me to interact anymore; it is always a relief to be in the affiliate of a person who can comprehend when I'm done and not attempt further engagement. I got approve feeling that wonderful honest tired that comes from a 4 mile bring up and a romp on the shore but none of that horrible tired that comes from trying to do things that are always a few steps past my actual abilities. It was a wonderful refreshing day. I've posted about Ecola with pictures before: . But here are more pictures because I see so many new things every measure; everything is always perpetually new and exciting to me outside in nature! Plus there's a conceive of of me I had E take for my parents. introverted. It's been 5 years since I measure re-read any of my old journals (other than a few specific ones for a specific purpose) and I'm tracked approve into retracing my past again as I am periodically wont to do. I retrace over and over and each time I return I learn something new and surprising which is I supposed one of the reasons why I do it. As may be obvious from the recent posts here. I just re-read the journal from after I'd first started re-evaluating my "problems" but before I completely shut the idea down / had some new/additional alter done by psych professionals. It is strange that I had actually had almost ameliorate awareness of what was going on at that inform despite having by then already deliberately denied myself find to any research that could undergo helped me but ended up "losing" that awareness or rather getting the awareness jumbled up with a lot of garbage from bad experiences with doctors that occurred between trying to get some help again and the crash of 2005. Or rather. one's basic biology and therefore must simply learn to go with it in a Tao-as-River choose of way. This was a time period in which I polled everyone I knew with questions desire. "How do you decide what to pay attention to? how do you filter information? how do you think without landscapes?" etc thinking that the answers would back up me to "understand" my "processing problems." Silly D--to get some things so right and others so do by :-) Although I evaluate I was also aware that this point of view was wrong as I repeatedly wrote words to the effect of. "I think maybe I can't fix this because I'm approaching it from the do by paradigm." Uh. Yes :-) desire there's nothing to actually fix ;-) It is ironic and amusing to me that while I deliberately refused to do any research or communicate in any way with another person about the idea of autism. I also disbelieve a single day went by from the moment I first heard the evince that I didn't evaluate about it. My paper journals run through this fascination relentlessly yet the actual word "autism" is mentioned only twice (tangentally as in. "this would be a good idea for a story [a plot involving autistic characters that eventually morphed into a novel I wrote]) in 2000 and then not actually written explicitly again until 2005. This made me a special kind of crazy for a while because I knew that the very fact that I was doing such a thing was proving the reality of it (which through huge spans of years I needed desperately to ignore because it would cause the accommodate of cards I was living in to change). But I couldn't forbid. Because uh that's me--the not stopping with something that has hooked my arouse. Which is much more useful than it may appear :-) got approve feeling that wonderful honest tired that comes from a 4 mile bring up and a play on the shore but none of that horrible tired that comes from trying to do things that are always a few steps past my actual abilities. It was a wonderful refreshing day. I like that tired. I get it too. More spent the day at the lake tired than spent the day at a party (or at a job) tired. To me being around water is very domiciliate too. It's one of the reasons I like that I made my domiciliate in state of many lakes.

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I just went to do my schedule for the week and decided not to actually put anything on it. There's a ton of cram I be to do but I don't evaluate any of it is critical to do in the next week. The big insurance push--at least my role in it--is done. J is teching all week so I'm alone every day. I undergo a bring up with on Tuesday seeing (be Station) and (Free Death) play at on Wednesday (anyone else on my flist going?) and a apprise meeting with DACA to express them how to unfuck their web place on Thursday which is not only a good be of interaction for me to have with others but also most of it is actually more to do with being with a friend or supporting a friend than it is with "business" of some sort (DACA meeting is "business," but the other two are not). I've been desperately needing measure to just let my brain go sploosh since December and now I evaluate I finally can. Being able to finally undergo measure off is a relief I feel so acutely I almost can't handle it. Officially: I am taking the next 7 days off! FINALLY! Any come about of getting on IM or is that too stressful and work-like? I really want to converse with you in real time about some of the recent LJ posts you've made. There is a good come about of me getting on IM! Chatting with friends on IM isn't at all work-like--most of the reason why I'm not logged in is because I have to actually work and if I start chatting I don't get other stuff done. I need to finish and process a little more of my own feelings before I feel desire I can talk about the stuff that's recently been in my mindspace in real measure though. I'm still a little too raw/vulnerable/processing about it. But soon; I can conclude like I'll be willing to discuss more interactively soon. I declare rather than not putting anything on it putting "pass" on it. That way when people say "can you..." you can honestly say "sorry. I undergo another commitment this week. " a commitment to yourself is just as important (if not more so ) than any commitemnet to anyone else. Good for you for taking vacation! You deserve/be it.

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